Dear "H,"

How am I doing? I'll tell you how I'm doing. I want my sunglasses, my mail, the Buffy tapes you were supposed to copy for me, as well as the 4 months superfluous rent I paid you, back. I want the time and effort I put into this friendship back. And, while I'm at it, I'd like for you to stop forwarding virus warnings to me. Every single one so far has been a hoax. Didn't I show you how to use google?

Thanks for asking. But I could do without your pathetic gestures.