Dear Jane Espenson,

I'm really, really sorry that I said nasty things about you in Best Buy the other day. It was before First Date aired.

love,
bettie


Dear Zales, Diamond Exchange, Kay Jewelers, Sears, et cetera,

Please stop airing manipulative commercials. I understand that Valentine's Day is a lucrative holiday in the "Love Industry," but you are ruining my relationship. I am finding myself agonizing over the fact that my boyfriend hasn't proposed, and I blame you 100%. This is absolutely unacceptable, as the status of my relationship is none of your business. I resent the implication that a diamond is the only way for Will to declare his love for me, as I know, rationally, that it is absolutely untrue.

I'm an American. I will sue.

love,
bettie


Dear Christine,

You are a beautiful, amazing, brilliant woman and I am thrilled to know you.

love,
bettie