a few things

on moving

There are some very real reasons that we should move. I doubt I've made them clear because I don't really care to think about it.

Everyone's been so kind to me that I really don't want to seem rude, but you just don't (couldn't possibly) understand: this apartment is HELL. People keep saying that I will have a lovely birth here, and I know that isn't true. I may HAVE to give birth here, but I want you to understand why I am fighting it.

The building is unsafe and falling apart and management DOES NOT CARE.

I was mugged and carjacked and nothing was done to secure the doors or increase security so the other tenants would be safe. NOTHING.

Our roof leaked for a year, and not just drips but RAIN on our heads.

The downstairs neighbors play music so loud that our apartment SHAKES. The bass is so loud it could start a series of explosions.

The across the hall people are the in the hall people most hours - I think there are ten people living in one apartment, mostly kids, and the door always has pot smoke reeking out from under it and the Aerosmith music goes up to eleven and the kids run and shout and do their homework outside of our apartment. Oh, and once THEY called the cops on US for reasons unknown.

There is TRASH in the hallways.

Car alarms go off every five minutes. (That last one may well be true of any neighborhood in LA but it sure doesn't endear me to this one.)

But? It is rent-controlled and we have been here long enough that for what we pay here we could barely rent a studio elsewhere. So time and time again circumstances have told us to LEAVE and financial setbacks have prevented it.

This isn't nesting. It isn't some fantasy about everything being perfect. It is a DESPERATE need to explore every option and try to get the hell out of here as soon as we can.

But I don't deny that we have a nice shower here.

on co-sleepers and money and gifts

I am so uncomfortable with this whole thing that I have almost deleted my earlier post six times this morning.

I know that my friends are just trying to be helpful but I feel that there is some mistaken understanding that Will and I are dirt poor and can't afford to have a baby, which isn't true (either part - that we're that broke or that you think so, unless you do think so, in which case there is a problem bigger than I am ready to address). We have food in the fridge, so much that I can't find anything. We have the money in the bank right now to go buy a crib but I've planned to spend it on other things. We're doing OK, just not OK enough to move and buy furniture - which, um, I don't know many people who are. The real problem is that I suck at budgeting and planning.

But the point is that I am overwhelmed by kindness and a little concerned that people may have misunderstood my complaining as asking for something, which I wasn't. I know I put the wishlist info up publicly, but I thought people might send a onesie or something, you know? But I guess I just have to deal with human kindness because it seems that someone has bought the co-sleeper. So, you know, I like all three colors. The green is especially cute.

I just don't know how to feel about any of this.