Wednesday, April 26, 2006

to do.

The universe keeps telling me to slow down. I don't listen. I stick my fingers in my ears and yell "LA LA LA I can't hear you, Universe" because I want to do everything.

But...I can't.

So the universe, peeved with me for refusing to listen to its gentle whispers in my ear, has its revenge: a head cold. This will make me slow down!

But...I don't. I know this could be worse for me in the long run.


I have to work. If I don't work, I don't pay the midwife. If I don't pay the midwife, well, that won't do.

I have to pay the bills and keep the household running. If I don't...well, it's bad enough that I've stopped doing housework, and at least I have the excuse of sciatica and an excruciatingly sore back for that. I must contribute. Will can't do everything himself, and the credit cards must be paid.

I have to write. I've already given up writing on spec (temporarily). I must at least keep up with the occasional review (especially the one I promised for next week and haven't given any thought yet).

And I have to make preparations for baby. Baby is coming whether I am ready or not. So I must at least have the necessary diapering equipment and somewhere for baby to sleep. The latter has me worried. I haven't budgeted for the co-sleeper. Is it too much to hope that someone will buy it for us? I don't know. I don't really expect any gifts. I mean, it's our baby, not our friends' baby.

Then there is the moving thing. It seems impossible. Move in the next four weeks? Move where? With what money? But the thought of giving birth here makes me hysterical. I don't know if I can do it, and there aren't any options but home. So home has to change, but I don't know how that can happen.

Is it any wonder I can't sleep? (Actually, I think the sleep issues all revolve around my bladder and its frequent fullness, but the worry can't help.)

I can't slow down. I'm going as slow as I can. I've shed all non-essentials from my life (blogs are so essential). This is as stripped-down as my life gets right now.

So what do I do? How do I get everything done? How do I take care of myself and still accomplish what I need to accomplish?

In a few short weeks, my priorities are going to shift drastically. I will be mother first, wife second, and my own last. I know that. I'm ready for it. I hope fervently that I will be able to keep up with my stuff, but I'm willing to slow down for my froggy.

Until then, I mustn't slow down. I can't. I won't.

No matter how daunting my to do list may seem.