A letter to all directors, producers, writers and anyone else recording commentary for DVDs

Dear Sir or Madam,

Although there are Crazy People out there who don't enjoy commentary tracks, I am certain that they are recorded in the first place for the benefit of those of us who are, not to put too fine a point on it, totally addicted to them. Before I get into the bulk of this letter, I would like to thank you for taking the time to make us squeal with delight.

Now, a few suggestions.

One. Please be aware that, with rare exception, we have seen the movie or television show before watching it with commentary. Probably more than once.

Two. We are aware of who the actors are, or, if we are not, we are capable of watching the credits. If you feel inclined to tell us about the actors or characters, please include information that is not in the credits or the episode/movie.

Three. We have eyes. We can see what's happening on our television screen. A play-by-play is not required. We'd love to know how you set up a shot or why you did something the way you did, as long as it isn't mind-numbingly boring. Keep in mind that we're the audience, not your colleague.

Four. We are fans. That means that, in addition to the points above, we want dirt. This doesn't necessarily mean that we want to know who played the Diva on any given day, but that we'd like some sort of behind-the-scenes insight. As the commentator, it is up to you to determine what form this will take. Just make it interesting, OK?

Five. This one may sound personal, but please do not take offense. If your voice has a monotone, flat, or remarkably nasal sound to it, please see a vocal coach before recording a commentary track. We like our ears, most of us.

Thank you.