Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I should be a studio exec.

On Sunday we went to Wal-Mart, as I mentioned earlier. We needed water and Ace bandages and it was convenient. OK, it was the only option. Anyway, I stopped at the $5.50 DVD bin and started digging through. Found many funny choices, including several Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. Each time I found one, I held it up and asked Will to buy it for me. But when I held up Derailed, he said, "I think Jace and Adam wrote that!" I checked, and they surely did, so we bought the DVD, along with Strange Days, which Will really likes and I was totally underwhelmed by the one time I saw it.

We watched it last night. It was hilarious. Now, I have not actually watched any other Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, so I couldn't really say where it fits on the Van Dammeter. But there was only one Jean-Claude Van Damme (I can't say only part of his name - it's like how I can only say "William Fucking Shatner," even though I really like him - and it all comes out as one word when I say it aloud).

After the movie we were sitting on the porch and I was trying to figure out how to get Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren all into one movie. I tried to come up with other Straight-To-Video action stars of their caliber, but failed, thereby negating any ideas of a Magnificent Seven (which Dolph has already done anyway).

Then I had it.

"Will," I said. "Jean-Claude Van Damme. Steven Seagal. Dolph Lundgren."

He stared expectantly, and possibly a little annoyed since I had been prattling on about them for half an hour by now.

"...And Jason Statham as D'Artagnan."

I marvel at my own brilliance. We agreed that Seagal would play Porthos (have you seen his commercials? He can do comedy), Jean-Claude Van Damme would play Aramis and Dolph would be Athos. Then, of course, we cast the rest of the movie, because we can never resist recasting that movie whenever the opportunity presents itself. Seriously, I have - somewhere - an entire notebook full of casts for it from several years ago when our friend Slaine visited.

But here is this one.

Dolph Lundgren - Athos
Steven Seagal - Porthos
Jean-Claude van Damme - Aramis

Jason Statham - D'Artagnan

Lance Henriksen - Cardinal Richeleu
Mark Dacascos - Rochefort

Thomas Ian Griffith - Jussac

Brigitte Nielson - Milady De Winter
Jaime Pressly - Constance
Jessica Alba - Kitty

Cynthia Rothrock - Queen Anne
Christopher Lambert - King Louis XIII
Ice T - Buckingham
Tim Guinee - Felton

Chris Penn - Planchet

We're still missing a few characters - Bonancieux, Treville - but feel pretty satisfied with what we've got so far. And yes, we're aware that a few of them have non-straight-to-video careers, but in general they don't really deserve them.