Actually, there IS a correct way to do that.

I love Whole Foods. I don't shop there terribly often, because I can get a lot of the same foods for less money at Trader Joe's and our butcher, but sometimes you just need the Whole Foods produce section. And while you're there, the cheeeeeeese is worth looking at, and most stuff in between.

We spent $200 there tonight.

I always have a good shopping experience. The occasional traffic jam, but nothing like going to the regular grocery store, or Trader Joe's when it's crowded (for those unfortunate souls without TJ's, the stores tend to be very small). The cashiers are always very nice and efficient, the guys at the butcher counter are great and always funny, and once I ran into Debi Mazar at the deli meat counter and made faces at her daughter.

Tonight started out well. I had a very friendly produce man insist on getting me better potatoes from the back. The butcher was funny, as expected. We moved through the store quite quickly. Everything was going so nicely.

Now, for the sake of fairness, I should mention that we had not yet eaten dinner. But I wasn't really that hungry, and we had hot deli food in the cart.

We got into the fairly short check-out line and I ran over to the health and body area to pick up some more arnica. When I got back, the cashier was ringing us up and a young lady was bagging our groceries. And this is when the bile started flowing.

First, she did the paper-in-plastic thing, which infuriates me. Yes, let's deplete all of our natural resources in one go AND make the bags harder to carry, thank you very much. But far, far worse was the way she was bagging. Rather than try to describe her mistakes, I will make a rough outline of the proper way to bag my groceries. Considering how much I was spending and the fact that I have to eat this food, I do not think it is unreasonable.

• Perishables and non-perishables are to be separated.
  
• Heavy items to go on the bottom of the bags, no exeptions. It is especially unacceptable to throw three bags of potatoes on top of my perfectly ripe on-the-vine organic tomatoes, at $3.99 per pound.
  
• Meat to be wrapped in a plastic bag before placed in the main bag. Even if it is well-wrapped in deli paper. And no potatoes on top of this, either!
  
• Produce should be kept together, likewise dairy products and especially any frozen items. It went into my cart in this order, which means it went onto the belt in this order, please put it into the bags in this order. I would like to be able to unpack the frozen items first, then dairy, then produce, and leave pantry items for last.
  
• DO NOT THROW MY FOOD INTO THE BAG WITH NO REGARD FOR ITS SAFETY. See above, re: I have to eat this stuff.
  
• And for the love of pete, be nice to my husband's dinner! He is hungry.
  
• It is perfectly acceptable to joke and flirt with my husband (honestly!) but only if you can simultaneously DO YOUR JOB.

There. Is that so much to ask?