Last night was just weird. I've never felt so ill without either being ill or being drunk.

Let me back up a bit. I spent the entire afternoon on the telephone with someone I've never met. This was definitely my longest WD phone call to date, and one of the most delightful. I nearly dropped the telephone after hanging up and looking at the display, which informed me I'd been talking for 242 minutes. Immediately after hanging up, I got in the bathtub. Will got home a few minutes later and hopped in with me immediately. (I lie. He did not hop, and it was not immediate; he took off his clothes first.) After the bath we got dressed and went over to Jenn's house. She'd made tortilla soup, which is my new favorite food.

Unfortunately, something about it didn't agree with me. Maybe it was the huge portions, of which I had 2. Maybe it was the richness, or the spiciness. All I know is that about 5 minutes after I finished eating I had terrible stomach pain, had heartburn, was dizzy, and thought I was going to die. It took Will and Jenn both to get me home, where I took off my pretty clothes and put on sweatpants. Then I spent about half an hour sitting in front of the toilet. I was not able to vomit.

This whole time, my back was in terrible pain as well. Whenever my stomach is upset, my back ties itself up in knots. Finally, when I decided that if I hadn't puked by now I just wasn't going to, Will remembered the heating pad we have for his back and carefully wrapped it around my waist. I felt better almost immediately.

Then we watched the Crappiest Television Ever. First up was The Bachelor: the Women Tell All. What a bunch of stupid cunts. Then was Extreme Makeovers. Ahhh, plastic surgery. Good times.

Around midnight I felt well enough to go to bed. I also felt morally superior to everyone on ABC.

And hey, it was only slightly worse than Tuesday, when a shelf fell on me.