Sunday, January 11, 2004

If life were fair, TWOP would post recaplets instantly.

I guess I'll have to do it myself.

[spoiler for tonight's Alias]
Sydney gets kidnapped by...Kendall, who unfortunately isn't evil. He does, however, know where she was. He didn't tell her because she asked him not to. In your face, Big Lips! The covenant never brainwashed Syd, because when she was a kid Daddy!Spy used something called Project Christmas (*puke*) to brainwash her against brainwashing (yes, my head hurts too), so she faked it. She worked with Lazarama to find the zzzzzzzzzz...Oh, sorry, the Rimbaldi Box, but the hiding place (five hundred years old, with modern key-locks) was booby-trapped and the producers of Alias missed out on a great opportunity for a Lara Croft outfit. Seriously, half the episode was in flashback, and one ONE wig? Lame. Where was I? Right, Syd chopped off LazaNobodyLovesRaymond's hand to save his life, and they escaped with the Box, which she was supposed to deliver to Kendall. Instead, she sent him a CD of Elton John's Greatest Hits, and a videotaped message explaining that the Covenent always steals everything so she is hiding the box and having her memories removed and don't tell her anything. Syd and Kendall figure out that, because she is The Chosen One (note to producers of Alias: Was Sarah Michelle Gellar not available?), the Covenant plans to mix HER EGGS (Syd figures out what her scar is from months after the rest of us, and somehow manages to look shocked) with RIMBALDI's DNA! They're going to create a MUTANT GENETIC BABY! At the Oops Center, the team gears up for what should clearly be a SEAL mission. Dixon tells Syd that he knew everything too, and was under order not to tell her. Then he tells her he loves her, and everything is OK, because Tiny Syd cannot handle more than one emotion at a time. The team parachutes out of a plane somewhere over South Park, Colorado, or wherever it is that they make the MUTANT GENETIC BABIES, and they proceed to kill everyone but Sark. Dixon tells Syd that they are supposed to bring back all of the DNA as evidence, then turns his back so that she can torch the place. They find Lazaray (I don't know how the normal recapper comes up with all those names for him), Not Dead. Sark, speeding away in his car, calls someone and tells them that "They've got [my] father; take care of it." In the ambulance, Lazaray tries to tell Sydney something Very Important, but he doesn't make any sense. As they are wheeling him into the hospital, a sniper kills him dead, dead, dead. And the sniper is...Lauren. A hundred thousand Vaughn/Sydney shippers sigh in relief, "I knew she was evil." The end.
[end spoiler]