Monday, January 05, 2004

What is wrong with me?

Everybody knows that John is one of my best friends in the entire universe and that, short of breaking off my engagement so that he could turn Will gay, I'd do anything for him. Right? Good. So today he called me and over the course of the conversation I became convinced that he needs to go into film archiving (something that he's shown some interest in - I didn't come totally out of left field here) and looked at the USC and UCLA websites to see if they offered related graduate degrees. I was looking for something along the lines of film history, because he is already an amateur film historian, and I found this (click on mias). It is more perfect than anything I could have dreamed of. AND it would mean that he'd stop thinking about moving to LA and actually move to LA (assuming that he was accepted to the program, but he's brilliant and they will fall over themselves to admit him).

This is not the problem. Obviously, I am thrilled that I found this and I hope it really is what he wants.

The problem is this: I can talk to any of my friends about their interests and find ways to help them get to where they want to be. I am the go-to girl for advice in certain circles. But when it comes to myself, I am absolutely stuck. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do, it's that there are too many things that I am passionate about and I simply cannot narrow it down. I become overwhelmed and wind up just doing nothing. And frankly, I need to break out of this obscene level of laziness. The only thing I accomplished today was surprising Will with a nice dinner (and dropping off the rent check, which hardly counts as it was due on Thursday). The fact that I am content to just make dinner for my sweetheart helps, but I might not always be happy this way. I am afraid that I will turn around one day and discover that I have a nice home and a wonderful family and nothing else. And part of me only wants that, but part of me doesn't want to wake up in 20 years and realize that I never followed any of my other dreams. I have no regrets and I don't want to set myself up for any down the road, no matter how unlikely it might seem now.

My time is so poorly managed that I was actually thinking today that I ought to go find a full-time job so that at least my days would not be wasted. I honestly think I might be able to do more of the stuff I want to do if I had less time. And that, dear reader, is just sad. It goes against everything that should be true. And yet, there it is. When I worked at USA Today, a small part of me died every morning, but my apartment stayed clean and I occasionally got some writing done. I went out on a regular basis and had fun. Of course, I was also a functioning alcoholic who hated her life so much that she dated a man she didn't even like, but that's sort of beside the point because he was really quite easy on the eyes. Actually, I take that back - it is exactly the point! I am happy and stable now, and I am accomplishing less. I've become complacent.

Plus, my calves are still sore. I need my sister to come visit and force me to learn good stretching methods. Orbitz says it'll cost about $300. I'd better work on getting that job.