I have to send a Thank You note.

To a woman upon whom I wish pain, humiliation and death.

This is what I've got so far:

Franny, Charlie, Natalie, Julia & Chaz,

Thank you for thinking of us in Yellow Springs. As you can imagine, that town is full of memories for us. Most of them lousy. Meeting each other was the only good thing that happened there. So thank you for pouring salt in that wound.

The picture of the Little Art theater is on display in our living room, between our two favorite theater prints. Note that I did not say it is on par with them, just that it is next to them.

Planning the wedding has all but taken over our lives, putting us at least a month behind on all of our other endeavors. But we are of course looking forward to making it official after so long! No thanks to you, cuntface bitch monster. HOW many times did you try to break us up? Don't ever send anything again.

Hope that you are settling nicely into life in Hong Kong. Stay as long as you like, and then stay at least another year. My sympathies to the locals. Best of luck to Natalie at University. SHE never did anything to us, anyway.

-Will & Annika

OK, so the stuff in italics isn't really in the letter. But OOOOH! how I wish I could send it that way.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

(Cross-posted from the Testing Forum at Buffyguide.)

EDIT: Let me elaborate a little bit here, since many people have suggested returning the gift or skipping the thank you note, which seems quite reasonable. The person in question, Franny, is a long-time family friend of Will's parents as well as his mother's former employer of many years. She has also given Will some work in the past and 'helped' him in his career - most notably by taking him to Los Angeles and introducing him to the person who wound up helping him find his job. (She did this to get him to leave me, by the way, but probably also had kind intentions toward him. For more details, try the google search at the bottom of the page, as I have written about her in detail in the past.) Though she is 100% persona non gratis (is that the correct phrase?) in my house, it would be messy at best to carry it any further than we have - no contact initiated by us, and refusing to invite her to the wedding. Not to mention that the gift would have been awkward to return - at best.