Las Vegas... Bang Pow!

This is totally my favorite picture on the internets.

edit: I like this one too. It's like looking in a mirror! A crazy fun house mirror!

Darth Vader?! What are YOU doing here?

Jeez. Everyone has a blog. (May contain Episode III spoilers.)

a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater

Yesterday a one-eyed dog tried to follow me home. We were 67 miles from my home so it's good that he gave up. I didn't cry. No, honest!

Well, maybe a little.

I also held Katie, a teensy little kestrel falcon. Then she jumped on Will's head. I didn't get a picture because the park ranger moved her too quickly.

It was a total Croc Hunter day.

(We also killed a snake, but that was an accident and I don't want to talk about it because we had to go back and finish him off.)

Wanted: husband

There's nothing wrong with the one I've got, except that I bought Star Wars: Battlefronts for the PS2 yesterday. He'd stop playing if I asked him to, but then I'd feel guilty. I mean - "Stop playing your TOTALLY AWESOME NEW GAME and pay attention to meeeeeeeeeee!" - not very mature, is it?

So I need an extra husband so that there will always be someone to pay attention to meeeeeeeeeee.

Yup. A much more mature solution.

P.S. Speaking of mature, I am going to be a totaly infant for a second because I want to share with you all the fact that my troll is obsessed with me! According to the logs, I am the only person who reads this blog more often than the troll is overcome with "bordem." Well. Me and Mindi.

action figures on parade

me: Forget Navy SEALS. You should make a team of Aquamen.

Will: You mean Divers?

me: No, I mean Aquamen. You know, six of Aquaman.

Will: I don't think I have any 1:6 scale orange.
...And for that matter, I don't have any 1:6 scale gay.

Yay! I haven't had a troll in forever!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog. Only in times of severe bordem.

You are quite full of yourself aren't you? Isn't it about time you get a reallllll job?!?!?!

You are so cute, IP address 4.19.78.125! But don't worry, I have two real jobs and one fake one!

Something Awful Photoshop Phriday

Taking Inventory.

I would like to know who reads this blog. I can find out the basics with the hit counter, but that's not people, it's IPs.

So please, if you read this, whether you normally comment or not, especially if you never do, leave me a note today. You can just say hi if you want. If you'd like to say more, tell me your name and your quest and either the book you are currently reading or your favorite book to re-read (if you are me, they are probably the same book).

It's like a gorgeous train wreck and I can't look away.

Sometimes I really wish I had television. ABC.com: Dancing with the Stars - Wednesdays 9/8c

The last of the famous international playboys

To amuse myself, I intend to go through and publish all of my Draft posts - at least, all that are printable.

Stay tuned.

(Some will be published on their original dates and some will be published with today's date. It will be like a scavenger hunt, only boring!)

Happy ABT

Maybe the last one.

This is really creeping me out.

The Man with Bogart's Face (1980)

Simon Says

On Sunday morning I woke up at about 7:00. This is actually quite normal for me lately, but it was really unnecessary at that precise moment. I identified the problem as unbearable heat, so turned on the AC. It's been in the 90s or so lately. Yucky. But I still couldn't sleep, so I decided the sunlight was also an issue. As I still haven't hung the drapes and one of the vertical blinds is broken, creating a permanent gap, there was really nothing to be done about the window. Luckily, I bought an eye mask at Victoria's Secret a while back. I didn't really think it would be practical, because it's so pretty, but I must have been wrong because the next thing I knew it was 10:30 and I felt better than I have in months.

This morning I woke up at 4:00. This, too, is fairly normal, because my bladder has been all wacky of late. (The previous sentence may contain TMI.) I peed, and when I returned to bed I made a horrible discovery: the full moon was directly outside our window. Shining right at my face! Turning away did nothing! It was SO FUCKING BRIGHT!!! So I donned my mask again and fought crime until Will's alarm woke me up at the somewhat more dignified hour of 6:45, after which I catnapped until about 7:30, which has been my normal time to get up lately.

I love this thing so much. I totally want to take a nap just so I can use my mask! Well, and also because I'm exhausted, but that can't really be from lack of sleep so I'm ignoring it.

These are not the nerds you're looking for.

[I never finished this post. I thought it was not only complete, but also published. Now I feel bad, because the nerds were really cool. I had a nice time with them, and now Revenge of the Sith is out and they have probably all gone home and I never went back to see them again.]

4/25/05 11:59 a.m.
Last Friday I took a pilgrimage to Grauman's Chinese Theatre, where I met with the Star Wars Nerds. At the time of my arrival, there were five or six people in line. I was immediately welcomed, because the second words out of my mouth (the first being, "Are you the nerds?") were "I brought cookies." Also because I am totally cool and everyone would hang out with me if given the opportunity.

The first thing I will say is that I have reached the conclusion that the nerds are not stupid, and even have a sense of humor. I will even go so far as to say that I think they have gotten a raw deal, which I mean in more ways than one.

The second thing I will say is that I get them now. They're Deadheads. I mean, not actually. Some of them could be, I don't know. Seeing Revenge of the Sith is not why they are in line. At least, not the ones I spoke to. They are in line to be in line. To be with the other people in line. The line is its own entity, and the movie is separate. For some of them, the movie is still the end goal. But I think for most of them, it is inconsequential. They will see it, or not.

I think I get the original point of the line too. First-second-third person into the theater gets first-second-third pick of seats. The best seats in the house. The seats from which they will see the movie at its first showing. You know where the person who is third in line will be sitting if she uses her ArcLight ticket? All the way at the side. I've been all the way at the side. It's a cineramadome. The side near you is enormous and distorted. That is not a third in line seat.

wish list

Bed Lounger + Knee Pillow = h e a v e n

Sure, Lisa. A magic animal.

There's a pork tenderloin roasting in the oven. It smells so good. I don't really eat pork, but I love the way it smells.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

In which Mindi is my hero.

Little Mindi Lou Who

43 Things

This is the awesomest website I have ever seen. Found via Maison Pants. You can see my incomplete list under the usual username.

43 Things

How to piss me off

Say something clever and off-hand, like, "Oh, you're too young to be married."

As if I could change it now anyway! Your pearls of wisdom are too late, O Wise Woman of the DMV, for my people do not believe in divorce!

Seriously. DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW ME? Do they think that somehow I have not learned my own mind in 27 years but they have figured me out in 14 seconds?

I know that I look younger than I am. So let's say, as a far-fetched argument, that is is somehow OK to judge people's choice to be married if they are, say, 22 (which I think I could easily pass for). So it might be all right for someone passing me on the sidewalk to think to himself, Oh, what a shame, she's far too young, she's throwing her life away (or whatever). BUT IF I AM REQUIRED BY LAW TO GIVE YOU MY DATE OF BIRTH BECAUSE YOU WORK AT THE DMV DO NOT ACT LIKE A NINCOMPOOP. It is only in the last few years that it ceased to be totally ordinary for women my age to be not only married but most likely mothers. So what the hell is wrong with being married at my age? I mean, even if people had the right to judge me, how is this a reasonable point to grab hold of?

salt & vinegar

I am in SUCH a crappy mood today. I've yelled at Will twice and cried three times and it's not quite 2:00 yet.

I'm going to eat some ice cream shortly.

If anyone asks what's wrong, I will punch them in the nose. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG, OK?

I wrote some crap, and it wound up on the internet

Like this, for example.

Emperor Norton gets his dollar.

This is wicked cool: Gay Dollar SF

Oh, grumble. And besides that - grumble!

Or perhaps I should just say, Curses; foiled again.

I am very, very lazy. Will and I have been married, um...Seven months. To the day, in fact. I took his name. I have changed my name everywhere but the DMV (well, and my Victoria's Secret card, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist), so my ID has my maiden name and my bank card, credit cards, and so forth my married name. (Oh, I didn't change stuff like my library card, either. It never occurred to me. But these asides are weakening my story, which has its basis in the idea that I changed everything but my driver's license.) I haven't had any major problems yet, particularly since my maiden name is now my middle name. I was planning to go to the DMV in March, but had to keep my maiden name on my ID because we were flying to DC in April and I got my ticket under the name that was on my ID, for obvious reasons. I have been meaning to fill out the forms and get another crappy picture taken ever since. Now we have plane tickets for July, mine in my married name, so I really need to get a move on.

I had lunch with Will and Dee, which was very nice, and then drove myself to the DMV. I'm sure you can guess what's coming - they were closed. Of course. Because it is Monday. And of course, I have no idea whether I will be able to use the car any other day this week. And of course, I am already cutting it close.

Poop.

UPDATE: Forms filled out, picture and thumbprint taken, temporary license in hand.

This is too funny.

I am still not sure whether this email was spam or a mistake.

In the original:

Volk wird nur zum zahlen gebraucht!
Lese selbst: [link removed]
damit Sie nicht als der erste Kanzler in die deutsche Geschichte eingehen, derUntertanen verboten hat, aus ihren Fenstern auf die Strasse zu gucken - selbst Nazisund Stalinisten haben niemals eine aehnliche Anordnung treffen lassen!

Translated (poorly):

People did not forbid only to to pay gebraucht!
Lese selbst: [link removed]
thereby you as the first chancellor German history to enter, that subjects looking from their windows on the road - even Nazisund Stalinisten never a similar arrangement meet to have let!

Can anyone translate more thoroughly?

UPDATE: Apparently this email is not a virus/worm, but rather the result of one - an email sent out by an infected computer, or something like that. But I still would like to know what it says, and if I am indeed a Chancellor of Something. It isn't too late to ask the DMV to put "Palpatine" on my driver's license.

Brian Cox, you're so naughty!

I hope I am not spoiling anything for anybody, but Brian Cox? NEVER A GOOD GUY.

We watched The Bourne Supremecy last night, after multiple failed attempts earlier in the week (our damn friends keep having crises, the inconsiderate louts). It was engaging and action-y, which was all I wanted from it. Not surprisingly, though, it was not as enjoyable as the first movie. I think it's because Jason Bourne has three lines of dialogue in the entire movie. Will thinks it's because Franka Potente was with him through nearly the entire first movie, giving him someone to interact with and us someone to identify with. Oh, I also think it's because the first one had Giancarlo, the awesomest fisherman who ever fished.

Totally unrelated: clickity-click-click-click

This entry does not reveal the winner.

Would the five finalists in my so-last-month contest please send me your email and snail mail addresses?

Would the rest of you mind terribly if I alerted the winner before announcing it here?

Does anyone else think I am trying to buy time? That's sure how it looks to me.

the weekend

I am way too lazy to recap. Read the husband's account instead. Go on, I'll wait for you.

Back? Did you leave Will a comment? He likes that.

I will add that I prematurely ended the Risk game by illegally moving all of my troops into the Shire, except Penelope, who I left in Bree with Phil. (Nevermind.)

Check the time stamp.

I've been up for an hour. So has Will. I don't understand. I like sleeping.

Raf post!

I have just received mail from Eaf and Grr.

I mention this solely for bragging rights. Please carry on with your day.

MY FIRST FAN!!!

This morning Will had breakfast with some guy from Dreamworks. Mike something-or-other.

So they talk shop, blah blah blah, and then the conversation inevitably turns to horror movies. They gush about Ginger Snaps, and Will assures Mike that the sequels are even better than the original. Mike tells Will about this French horror movie that he saw about a year ago, that will come out next month. He says he doesn't want to spoil the ending, but there was a review on Creature Corner that totally got it - kind of a crap ending, but somehow it totally worked. Will tells him, Yeah, that reviewer is my wife.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!

In other news, Star Wars is totally taking over my life. Last night I played poker with the Wookiee formerly known as my friend Andy. Which reminds me, apparently there is some commercial on TV right now with Chewbacca recording dialogue and it sounds incredibly hilarious. If anyone can figure out a way for me to see this commercial I will totally kiss you on the mouth. Unless you are icky, in which case I will warmly shake your hand.

Just curious - how stupid do you think I am?

I just got an email. From service@earthlink.net, subject line "Your Password." With an attachment of a zip file titled "account_info.zip."

I am on the floor, rolling around in my own tears of laughter. I can barely breath. You might call this "hysterics."

What kind of gullible idiot...No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

By the way, my internet service provider? NOT Earthlink.

Contest Finalists!

In the order they were posted (I think).

• Heath said...
  Will smiles with satisfaction that his years of slowly building an immunity to Ioccaine poison have finally come to fruition.
  
  
• Amanda said...
  "Seconds later, with an entire glass of red wine soaking through his clothes, Will resolved to never again goose someone with a drink in his hands."
  
  
• Rodolfo said...
  Maynard secretly replaced Will's fresh ground coffee with Folger's crystals.
  
  
• Min said...
  Will looks on with a knowing smile as Maynard is shocked to silence by the photographer's dazzling rack.
  
  
• Simon said...
  The auditions for the new James Bond had attracted some strange candidates.

If you like, you may comment with your vote for the winner. The comments may or may not effect my decision. There's a good chance they will, since I have thusfar only narrowed it down to five.

The other entries can be read here, and I recommend it if you haven't been through them yet. Very funny stuff.

Now THAT is funny.

I thought it was funny the other day when I got worried because I'd missed part of the scroll on Return of the Jedi. This is WAY funnier.

There have been all kinds of weird noises in my building lately. Mostly things like doors banging, but with special echo sound effects. Just now I heard THE WEIRDEST NOISE EVER and kind of freaked out, thinking that someone had gotten into my apartment.

Er.

Ahem.

Um.

It turns out it was some sort of transporter. On my TV. Because I have had Star Wars on for the last two hours.

I am SUCH AN IDIOT.

Of course, as soon as I'd slowed my heart rate and had a good laugh at myself, I heard a bang and then a big WHOOSH and freaked out all over again. It was the hall door and a vacuum cleaner. A big one, granted, out in the hallway, but STILL.

Maybe I should stop watching these movies on repeat like this.

EDIT: You know what ELSE is really funny? My Peter Cushing impression. It's brilliant! I SOUND NOTHING LIKE PETER CUSHING!

In which my lack of follow-through is discussed.

I get so many ideas that I get overwhelmed and don't work on any of them. This has kept me from writing anything for the past three years, with rare exception and only until recently. It also prevents me from finishing anything I start on this goddamn blog. Which, as Mindi pointed out (though not in her exact words), makes me a total cocktease.

How about a list?

1. CAPTION CONTEST: I know I am really late in announcing the winner. Thing is, all the entries were really funny. So I need another day or two. I'm sorry.
   
   
2. RON JEREMY: I totally thought I explained that. My bad. He was at the first screening I went to for Creature Corner, because he had a cameo in one of the movies. We're groping each other in the picture because he thought I ought to "make [my] husband jealous." Little did Ron Jeremy know that Will doesn't get jealous.
   
   
3. MY HAIR: Two Fridays ago I went to the salon where I get my hair cut and had pink streaks put in it. I will get a picture taken ASAP.
   
   
4. MISCELLANEOUS: Remember, like, forever ago, when I did that meme-ish thing where y'all ask for pictures of three things and I take those pictures and post them? And remember how some of you made requests but I never posted the pictures? Well, I started taking them rather promptly, then had some camera issues (I can't remember what issues - probably something lame like needing to charge the battery), then forgot all about it. I will resurrect that as soon as I follow through on this other junk. The "breakfast" picture I took for P@ was priceless. Hopefully it's still around.

If there's anything I'm forgetting, I hope someone will remind me.

Conversation

Background: We have plans Friday and Saturday evenings. Friday's plans are based on Will's job, and we had to cancel previous plans to do this benefit thing instead. Those plans had replaced earlier plans that had been cancelled. Colleen, one of Will's friends from college, emailed yesterday to ask if Friday or Saturday was good for an informal reunion. A little while ago Will called me to say that Rich had emailed him, asking if we were available on Friday or Saturday.

Me: It's gotta be because of Cinco de Mayo.

Will: That was last weekend.

Me: ...

Me: Um.

Me: Cinco means five. Today is May third.

On further reflection, I don't think that adequately explains the rush of social opportnities. It must be my hair. (It's pink. Did I mention that?)