Do you look like a celebrity?

This site claims that it can tell you. You upload a photo of your face (full-front only) and it gives you matches. (It does not seem to work in Firefox, but is fine with IE.)

I entered four different pictures and got the following results:

• Vanessa Mae, Ryoko Hirosue, Sandra Bullock
  
  
• Vanessa Mae, Ryoko Hirosue, Juliette Binoche
  
  
• Ryoko Hirosue, Audrey Hepburn, Athena Chu
  
  
• Ryoko Hirosue, Whoopie Goldberg, Jamie Lee Curtis

This girl appeared on all 4 lists:

Anyone notice anything suspiciously Asian about her? Vanessa Mae might be Asian as well, and Athena Chu appears to be. Whoopie Goldberg is, um, black.

None of them has facial structure anything like mine as far as I can tell.

Oh well. It was kinda interesting, anyway.

By the way, if anyone had signed up for the mailing list you would have received a very amusing email about this entry.

Link found on Redsaid.

Confession

I have never seen Citizen Kane.

But I won't have to say that for long! A copy of the DVD just arrived from Mommy, along with a guidebook to the Southwest.

If CK is even half as good as Touch of Evil, I will love it. (And if nothing else, I will not have to pretend that Chuck Heston is a fucking Mexican.)

In other news, I've added a mailing list feature. If you wish to avoid the annoyance of refreshing my blog hourly to see if I've updated, enter your email address in the form to the right. I can't promise that I'll send a notification promptly, but I'll certainly try.

Blogging for cancer research.

Emily is blogging for charity. I'd like to sponsor her but have no idea how I'll come up with any money for it, so I thought I'd pass the word along in case any of you, dear readers, have money in your pocket that you are just waiting to give to charity. Or maybe just some money that isn't already dog-eared for necessities. Her site has a link to Project-Blog, the site that's putting the whole thing together, where you can sign up to sponsor and/or to blog.

My birthday came early!

The mail lady just rang to tell me I had a package. I ran downstairs and fetched the Amazon box. I figured, one week till my birthday, I should be good and not open it.

Fuck that!

The lovely and generous Jason (aka Thunderstrike) sent me The Elements of Style, Streetwise Los Angeles (a map for my datebook) and EQUILIBRIUM! I am such a happy little kitten.

On heartbreak and mummies.

On Saturday I went over to Meghan's house and fell truly, madly, deeply in love with a lost little puppy she'd brought home. If I didn't think it would get us kicked out of our building, I would have taken her home with me, expense of a dog be damned. As it is, I am seriously wondering if there's any way I could talk the building manager into making an exception to the No Pets clause in our lease. But I don't think Will wants the responsibility of a dog until we can get a house (and a second income), and I hardly fault him for that. (Pictures of my beloved are here.) To complicate matters, Meg found a sign put up by the owner, but the damn woman has a full voice mailbox. PLEASE! If my dog was lost, I would not be more than two inches from the phone until she was found. Of course, I would also have her spayed, tagged, and microchipped. And not on a piece-of-crap, falling apart leash that she could break when I left her tied up in the yard, which of course I would never do. Ooh, I am so upset right now.

In lighter news, we had a mummy triple feature yesterday. We watched The Mummy, most of The Mummy Returns (we stopped it to go over to Jenn's for dinner), and Bubba Ho-Tep. Great stuff! Tonight I expect we will watch the latter with commentary.

And in completely irrelevant news, I made very good hummus yesterday.

Make it 50(ish).

The following movies didn't quite make the cut for the Top 25, but are still most worthy of a mention. As before, in alphabetical order, but this time without commentary. And I managed to have only one tie, which I think everyone will agree is a perfectly reasonable tie.

1. Aliens
2. Amelie
3. Bladerunner
4. Breakfast at Tiffany's
5. Bringing Up Baby
6. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
7. Chinatown
8. Hellboy
9. Jane Eyre (1944)
10. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
11. LA Confidential
12. The Mummy (1999)
13. Muriel's Wedding
14. Near Dark
15. The Princess Bride
16. Psycho Beach Party
17. Rebecca
18. Rushmore
19. Silverado
20. Say Anything...
21. [tie] Star Wars: A New Hope
21. [tie] Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
22. Switch Back
23. That Thing You Do!
24. The Thin Man
25. Zulu

And I can't finish this entry without at least mentioning Dogs in Space, which doesn't make the list but holds a very dear place in my heart.

List.

How the hell did you guys do this? It's hard. I decided, after coming up with 22 movies and knowing that I wasn't done yet, to make a Top 25 list. Then I cheated. What's funny is that the list is in alphabetical order, but the ties really would be ties.

Movies shot as one movie count as one movie no matter how they were released.

These are all movies that I consider good and that I am fond of. A lot of movies belong in one of those categories, but this list is only movies that fit in both.

Directors are listed mainly because some of the movies are only one of several versions and I'd hate for anyone to think that I meant Jan de Bont's trainwreck or Gene Kelly as D'Artagnan (though I do love that version) or, GOD FORBID, Keifer Sutherland as Athos. Besides, I knew almost all of them without looking them up, and I'm a show-off.

Without further ado:

1. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert dir. Stephan Elliot
Dude. It's a musical (sort of) about drag queens in the Australian outback. Even if it was awful, I'd probably love it (as long as Patrick Swayze wasn't in it). But it isn't awful. It's touching, funny, and a damn tight picture.

2. The Big Sleep dir. Howard Hawks
I prefer the unreleased 1945 cut of the movie, available on the DVD. However, even the 1946 version provides one of the most entertaining detective stories ever committed to film. And even though Bogart was not the ideal Phillip Marlowe, he was damn good in the role.

3. Black Hawk Down dir. Ridley Scott
The quintessential war movie.

4. Charade dir. Stanley Donen
It's a thriller AND a romantic comedy! And it doesn't suck!

5. The Devil's Backbone dir. Guillermo del Toro
This chilling, lovely ghost story is first and foremost a coming-of-age story. Every frame is gorgeous.

6. Dodgeball: A TRUE Underdog Story dir. Rawson Marshall Thurber
This movie knocked BASEketball off the list. If you know me, you know how much I love BASEketball.

7. Down By Law dir. Jim Jarmusch
I love Jim Jarmusch. I also think he is very weird and I might not want to sit next to him at the bar. While Dead Man, Mystery Train and Ghost Dog are all excellent movies, my love for Down By Law just runs a little bit deeper.

8. Equilibrium dir. Kurt Wimmer
Holy crap! This is the single most kick ass movie ever made. For one thing, it takes place in a distopian future that kind of makes sense. For another, it has gun-kata. And if that doesn't convince you, it stars Christian Bale. Trust me on this one.

9. Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn dir. Sam Raimi
The first time I watched this movie, I had to rewind three times because the Evil Hand scene made me fall on the floor and miss stuff.

10. [tie] Farewell, My Concubine dir. Kaige Chen
I'm not 100% positive whether this movie belongs on the list. I haven't seen it in nearly ten years because it made me too emotional the first (and only) three times I watched it. Strikingly beautiful. Very sad.

10. [tie] The Haunting dir. Robert Wise
The limitations of the time period (1963) may be what made this movie as good as it is. No special effects worth mentioning, just hand-gripping terror.

11. Lonesome Dove dir. Simon Wincer
I'm cheating a little bit with this one - it's a six-hour mini-series. But fuck it, it's also my favorite western of all time.

12. The Lord of the Rings dir. Peter Jackson
If I have to explain this one, you aren't paying attention. (That isn't to say, dear readers, that you have to like it; just that I think everyone can understand at least in part why it is so beloved.)

13. Love and a .45 dir. C.M. Talkington
This one is sort of a sentimental favorite. But I do think it's a pretty great example of a crime spree movie. And it has Dinosaur Bob.

14. The Man Who Would Be King dir. John Huston
Words cannot express how much I love this movie, so I am not going to try.

15. Notorious dir. Alfred Hitchcock
My only complaint about Notorious is that I don't like the way Ingrid Bergman plays drunk. But that is hardly reason enough to dislike the movie with the greatest ending of any movie I have ever seen. And the rest isn't exactly shabby. Plus, Hitchcock famously dodged the "Hayes" Code in the kissing scene (but don't worry, it isn't a Kissing Movie).

16. Once Upon a Time in the West dir. Sergio Leone
For me, this movie falls more on the side of good than favorite, though I liked it a lot. But it would make the list for the opening sequence alone.

17. Paper Moon dir. Peter Bogdanovich
This movie is pretty much the definition of charisma and charm. It's sort of a buddy movie, except the buddies are a con man and a little girl.

18. Raiders of the Lost Ark dir. Steven Spielberg
OK, Spielberg, you cutting-me-off-in-traffic, walky-talky bastard. I give you this one.

19. Ravenous dir. Antonia Bird
Man vs Man. Man vs. Nature. Man vs Self. All in one excellent movie. With cannibalism. (Almost as good as Cannibal! The Musical.)

20. Secondhand Lions dir. Tim McCanlies
I did NOT expect to love this movie. I wasn't even sure I'd like it. But oh, man.

21. Singin' in the Rain dir. Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly
Look, this movie is too long and the "modern" ballet in the middle is pointless and annoying. But it is not only a life-long favorite of mine, it is also fascinating historically. It was written around the songs. It pokes fun at itself and Hollywood relentlessly.

22. The Three Musketeers/The Four Musketeers dir. Richard Lester
First of all, Oliver Reed can buckle my swash any day. Or, you know, he could if he wasn't dead. The first movie makes a plot of simple intrigue; the second has one of the best monologues ever in film. And they both have swashbuckling!

23. Touch of Evil dir. Orson Welles
If you can get over the fact that Chuck Heston plays a Mexican, and the bad guys "shoot up" marijuana, this movie is perfect.

24. Waking Ned Devine dir. Kirk Jones
When I walked out of the theater after seeing this movie, I felt more delighted to be alive than I had ever felt or have ever felt since. This is a heartwarming, feel-good movie, in the purest sense.

25. [tie] The Wizard of Oz dir. Victor Flemming et al
This movie should be such a gigantic mess, but instead it is pretty much the classic movie.

25. [tie] X2: X-Men United dir. Bryan Singer
I didn't think that comic book movies got any better than X-Men. I was mistaken.

Good grief!

So, Dodgeball is close to $50 million ($48,670,000 to be exact). That means that it took in almost 2/3 of its opening weekend gross during the week. Fucking amazing.

And now back to your regularly scheduled blog (my movie list[s] coming v. soon).

I bowl, Uwe Boll...

Uwe Boll responds to the nay-sayers of his movie, the "very big success" House of the Dead.

First of all if you really see the move on screen or DVD you will recognize that the CINEMASCOPE look of the movie and the sound are absolutly A LIST and not one percent less quality as RESIDENT EVIL or UNDERWORLD.

Better than Underworld? Well, thank god for that.

I think his poor grasp of English is really quite charming.

NEW INFO (and I use the term "info" v. loosely): "House of Ze Dead"

I'll just wipe this drool off my keyboard now.

  

(Click for larger images.)

Wow! LiveJournal communities SUCK!

So I was poking around on LiveJournal, because none of my friends have updated since last time I checked. I came across a community based on film reviews and discussion, which claimed to be better than another, similar community. We'll call the first one I found "Fuck You" and the one they directed me to "Flick You." I am using those names specifically because they are the communities' names - though not their entire names.

The rules to join Fuck You are to post a list of your ten favorite directors, then your ten favorite films NOT by those directors. I thought that was a neat idea and went off to check out the allegedly more rigid Flick You community. Their rule is a list of your top 20 films. Once you've posted your application the existing members can vote Yes or No or ask you for a top five in a specific genre (I saw films by female directors, heist movies, rom-coms and Asian films, among others). The community members are disgustingly picky - basically, if your list doesn't fit their idea of Quality, you're out. Banned. And probably verbally abused. I didn't notice the same treatment of applicants at Fuck You, but I didn't delve as deep there. Plus, they appear to be very new and only have a handful of members.

I thought I had figured out what made the Flickers tick, but then an application chock full of Lynch and Kubrick was rejected, so I guess they are a Different kind of pretentious.

I can be pretentious too! I should make you all post lists so that I can decide whether you can be my friends. Won't that be fun?

(The answer is "No.")

I went and checked out the Fuckers, expecting to hate them only slightly less. Unfortunately for my hate-on, the leader of the community liked Ravenous, so I might have to just settle for hating Flick You.

In the interest of the last hour and a half of my life not being a total waste of time, I would like you to post your lists. However, it will not have any effect on whether you are allowed to be my friend. That would be stupid.

Your choice: Top ten directors and the top ten films not by those directors or top 20 films overall. The criteria for these lists is entirely up to you. A brief explanation of said criteria would be appreciated (e.g. "personal favorites," "best direction," etc.). Commentary on your selections is fine but not required. A different list altogether is also fine, just say what the list is (it would help if it were film-related, of course).

A typical conversation.

(As opposed to an atypical conversation.)

Last night in bed, whilst discussing my, er, penchant for older men and systematically going through the WB cast of stars to try to find me a nice young thing:

Will: Well, now, Lindsey. If he'd just get a haircut.
Me: I know! So cute. What a waste.
Will: That's why Angel hated him so much. He couldn't stand anyone having worse hair than him.
Me: And it clearly tore Lorne apart.
Will: "A flunky?" "Your hair ruined my show."
Me: But wouldn't Angel want someone on the cast with worse hair, as a foil?
Will: No! Angel has to be the most angsty, hence the worst hair.
Me: ...
Will: Like Robert Smith.
Me: [hysterical laughter]
Me: Even Morrissey never had hair as bad as Robert Smith.
Will: Yeah, he had that pompadour. I liked that.
Me: It wasn't a very good pompadour, but still...
Will: Not Dawson's Creek?
Me: Oh, god no.

[Note: young = under 40.]

Freak-out over.

My apologies for my box office obsession over the weekend. I've moved on. As to my childish hate-on for Steven Spielberg, we shall see. That bastard tried to cut me off in traffic once, you know. Not to mention the goddamn walky-talkies.

It's come to my attention that I live a very strange life. I cannot deny this.

We went horseback riding yesterday with Rian and Cassie. I am achy and bruised. As we headed back to the stables we passed a group going the opposite direction. The last horse carried a man roughly twice my age (perhaps a bit less) with a fine mustache. He turned completely around in his saddle and stared at me as I passed him. It was a bit unnerving, but terribly flattering. Unless he was just astonished at the awkwardness of my seat - my stirrups were a touch too long and I'd gotten banged up terribly when I finally convinced my horse to run. But he probably just thought I was pretty.

Anyone good with resumes? I am great at writing/editing them for other people, but making my own sound even halfway decent is a skill I do not possess.

Dodge THIS, Steven Spielberg.

$30,000,000, motherfucker.

I was absent when they handed out patience.

So, Dodgeball took in close to $12 million on Friday. Almost twice as much as The Terminal, which makes me laugh. I laugh at you, Steven Spielberg! Motherfucker. I laugh at you, Dreamworks! Fuckers.

Ahem.

Today's box office numbers aren't up yet. I am going CRAZY waiting. I'm refreshing, refreshing, refreshing that page, but nothing.

It seems silly to say that a little comedy about people getting hit by dodgeballs is so important, but it is. Will found this script. He championed this movie and made sure the "important" people read it. And besides, it's really damn funny.

If you haven't seen Dodgeball yet, go see it. Now.

I bless the rains down in Africa...

All this time I thought it was "I guess the rain's down in Africa." Reading the lyrics has totally changed that song for me, and I do not know if I am a man or a woman.

Hee.

I woke up around 9:45 this morning to an empty bed and was convinced that it was a weekday and Will had left for work. I was so depressed! Then I was so happy when I realized he was just in the living room, playing Vice City. I made some coffee and walked him through the hidden packages. (He's beat the game, and started over because we'd had some difficulty with the packages before.)

Having the new TV has not only made the picture quality on everything a thousand times better (and three times bigger!) but has also enabled us to open up the living room significantly by pushing the couch back against the wall. I removed all of the clutter, making the office quite a disaster area but the main living area delightful to be in. Now if I could just get some more bookshelves, a four drawer filing cabinet, and do something about the bedroom. Oh, and I need tons of picture frames. Oh, and S-Video cables for the DVD player. And The Sound of Music.

That reminds me, everyone needs to know that Heath is the most awesome guy ever! He sent Will the Queen box set randomly. We danced in the newly huge living room to "You're My Best Friend." Awwww. *puke*

It is grey and dreary outside. In June! In Los Angeles! I am not complaining, as I actually like this weather, but it is kind of odd.

Low Oddysseys.

oslowe: Balls across the nose.

Why is my fiance more clever and funny than me?

Men I'd Sleep With

Bold the ones you'd sleep with, italicize the men you'd sleep with after having a few.
Leave the rest alone.

1. Stephen Dorff
2. Wesley Snipes
3. Denzel Washington
4. Samuel L Jackson
5. Hayden Christensen
6. Ian Somerhalder
7. James Van Der Beek
8. Ashton Kutcher
9. Seann William Scott
10. The Rock
11. Brendan Fraser
12. Oded Fehr
13. John Hannah
14. Hugh Grant
15. Colin Firth
16. Liam Neeson
17. Daniel Day-Lewis
18. Leonardo DiCaprio
19. Billy Zane
20. Harry Connick Jr
21. Sean Astin
22. Dominic Monaghan
23. Karl Urban
24. Vin Diesel
25. Paul Walker
26. Joshua Jackson
27. James Marsden
28. Shawn Ashmore
29. Hugh Jackman
30. Will Kemp
31. David Wenham
32. Viggo Mortensen
33. Elijah Wood
34. Tobey Maguire
35. James Franco
36. Alfred Molina
37. Harrison Ford
38. Sean Connery
39. Shane West
40. Stuart Townsend
41. Richard Roxburgh
42. Ewan McGregor
43. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
44. Christian Bale
45. Jared Leto
46. Colin Farell
47. Ben Affleck
48. Josh Hartnett
49. Bruce Willis
50. Billy Bob Thornton
51. Dennis Quaid
52. Jake Gyllenhaal
53. Patrick Swayze
54. Keanu Reeves
55. Gary Oldman
56. Tim Roth
57. Steve Buscemi
58. Michael Madsen
59. Rick Yune
60. Pierce Brosnan
61. Robert Carlyle
62. Jonny Lee Miller
63. Jude Law
64. Matt Damon
65. Clive Owen
66. Ryan Phillippe
67. Benicio Del Toro
68. Johnny Depp
69. Orlando Bloom
70. Sean Bean
71. Eric Bana
72. Brad Pitt
73. George Clooney
74. Mark Wahlberg
75. Jason Statham
76. Edward Norton
77. Ben Stiller
78. Owen Wilson
79. Vince Vaughn
80. Joaquin Phoenix
81. Russell Crowe
82. Billy Boyd
83. Paul Bettany
84. Heath Ledger
85. Mel Gibson
86. Jason Isaacs
87. Alan Rickman
88. Kevin Costner
89. Christian Slater
90. Antonio Banderas
91. Tom Cruise
92. Ving Rhames
93. John Cusack
94. John Malkovich
95. Charlie Sheen
96. Kiefer Sutherland
97. Emilio Estevez
98. Rob Lowe
99. Matt Dillon
100. Kevin Bacon

My goodness, I'm picky. Though I suppose that a few more might make the cut depending on the definition of "a few." And I find it amusing that only one of these men is in my preferred age range for celebrity crushes.

Edit: After a period of deep reflection (read: I read the list more closely), I determined that I would totally have crazy monkey sex with Bruce Willis.

A burrito as big as my head.

Or: A television as big as me.

Apologies for the blurriness. I had not had coffee yet.

Teevee is my friend.

"You don't have any friends."

Ahhh, but I will at about 5:00 this afternoon! I hope.

First, a little story.

I didn't see Fellowship of the Ring in a theater when it was first released. I'm not complaining - I saw an Academy screener on a big screen TV with an excellent sound system while lounging on a couch in a movie star's office. (The movie star was not in attendance.) I then saw the extended DVD several dozen times at home. Last December when the ArcLight Cinema screened the extended cut a few weeks before Return of the King opened, we went to see Boromir die on the big screen. I cried, of course. But more importantly, I noticed something I'd never seen on the DVD. There is a shot, only a few seconds long, of a beautiful landscape. What I didn't know was that all nine members of the Fellowship are in the background of the shot. Fucking 19" television! It was then that I became determined to upgrade. Finances, however, conspired against this fond wish of mine.

Well, not anymore. This afternoon Jenn will be driving me to Best Buy (she has a truck) to purchase a Toshiba 32" flatscreen television. If they have it in stock. I just hung up the phone after a frustrating attempt to reach someone in the electronics department. It rang and rang and rang, then the automated voice took me back to the menu and I re-selected the correct department and it rang and rang and rang. Repeat process for ten minutes. Those fuckers had better be helping other customers.

Now, to rearrange my entire living room!

Mmmphh-mmphhmm

I am eating the most succulant strawberries right now. They're very large, and usually large strawberries are sort of blah, so I saved the bitty sweet ones for when Will is home, but the big ones are SO GOOD. I am also eating a slice of really good sourdough with super-sharp Vermont cheddar. Someone would have told me if I'd died and gone to heaven...right? Because everything so far this week points to me being dead. I mean, the Best Buy windfall, the Dodgeball premiere, this food! Heaven is nice.

Dodgeball: a TRUE underdog story

Coming this Friday to a theater near you (unless you live outside of the U.S., you poor bastard).

Review coming soon, maybe.

To settle the long-running debate: Jason Bateman is about 5'9, and very convenient to have directly in front of you when exiting a theater. Hmm. Maybe 5'10. I am so bad at judging height when wearing anything other than my sneakers.

In short, see this movie.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

I just received a $500 Best Buy gift card. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. All I did was fill out some survey that I'd forgotten about.

Holy shit!

New television, here I come.

Fuck you, Montel.

OK, I admit it. I like Montel Williams. Sometimes I'll tune in for the 9:00 airing of his show, which I believe is always a rerun. This morning it was a show I've seen before, and it pissed me off just as much today as the first time. The guests were all parents who'd made controversial decisions and were being criticized by friends and/or family. Most of what passes these days as controversial parenting is ideas that have been around forever but have shifted out of the "norm" in western cultures. You know, whacky ideas like breast-feeding and limiting television. Oh, and let's not forget paying attention and treating your children like human beings. Montel had three guests (plus their critics), and only one of them was employing what I would personally consider weird parenting - she had forbidden her children to date until age 18 (not so weird) and interrogated all of their friends as to their sexual activity (rude), wishing to keep her children from having non-virgin friends (understandable in a way as they were 13 and 14, but awfully difficult to monitor). I'm not really going to discuss her, because I tend to agree that privacy shouldn't be invaded, even if it is your child. There is a line and I think this woman crossed it.

The other two guests, though. Montel has me hopping mad. The issues themselves are indeed controversial, but only, as I said, in recent years. One woman said that she and her husband still sleep with their 8-year-old son, the other had refused to inoculate her baby. Perhaps I am biased as my family had a family bed and I received no vaccines until I was 12. However, I have also read up on both topics and the arguments on both sides of the issues are compelling. The real problem, I think, was with Montel's choice of guests. The woman who slept with her son was about the most over-protective ninny I've ever heard of (she wouldn't let her son use public men's rest rooms, forcing him to accompany her into the ladies') and the girl who wouldn't get her baby's shots was a teen mother and about as white trash as they come. Way to promote stereotypes, Montel! Jerk. That would be like having a show about homeschooling and only have religious fanatics as your guests. Oh, wait. Every talk show that has ever addressed homeschooling has treated it as something only crazy people do. (By the way, I was homeschooled.)

So the guests' arguments were far from compelling, because neither of them was able to prove that they had thought their parenting choices through. They seemed like crazy reactionaries who simply would not listen to reason. How are people going to be educated on alternative choices when the people promoting them are idiots?

I thought you were better than that, Montel.

It doesn't really surprise me when the average American thinks that measles, mumps and rubella is a serious threat, that family beds are weird, and that homeschooling is only for problem children (or problem parents). But most of the people I've encountered with these views - particularly those with a poor impression of homeschooling - have been willing to listen with an open mind to my views. My own partner has gone from thinking that school is the only way to get an education and babies sleep in cribs to being the first to defend our choice to keep our kids as far away from school as possible (he goes back and forth on the family bed, but I am 99% certain that he just wants his space while he sleeps). I may have first leaned toward these choices because of my own upbringing, but I also did my research. I haven't said anything about inoculating our babies because I am just not sure yet what I think about it.

Exciting Culinary Fact o' the Day

Best way to open a watermelon: drop it on the floor. It splits neatly in two and requires only mild carpet cleansing.

In other news, Annika + Performance Art = Nightmare.

Random Obituary Generator of Doom

Crucifiction Games: Random Obituary Generator of Doom:

"We regret to announce the untimely passing of Annika, who on the 2nd of June of this year was randomly smothered in hot fat by a couple of passing gremlins. This unfortunate incident occurred in the forest in New York City. The deceased was reported to have shouted 'Well, there goes the rest of my day...' just before expiring. Annika is survived by several houseplants. Funeral services will be held the 2nd of next month."

Hee.

PMS?

I think my problems yesterday may have been due to the above. I haven't suffered PMS-y symptoms since I went on the pill, but I missed one at the beginning of this week (according to the literature, that presents no problems baby prevention-wise) so maybe my hormones got fucked up.

On the other hand, I might have been in such a pissy mood due to the unannounced postponement of Ape 10. I hope everything is all right in Azwood. I mean Vegas. I mean...whatever.*

Regardless of the reason for yesterday's moodiness, I'm feeling better today, if a little bit snippy.

*EDIT. Whoopsie! That sounded so rude. I really, truly meant to type "wherever."

Head hurts.

There's a fire alarm going off in the hallway. I checked it (a cookie for you if you can guess what was in my hand when I opened the apartment door - hint: I am an ironic retard) and didn't see smoke. It is very loud.

Oh, thank god - someone turned it off. Maybe. It buzzed again for a couple seconds.

Exciting Culinary Fact o' the Day: frozen chicken bones cannot be broken with your bare hands. Oops.

I'm grumpy and I'm not wearing pants.

Oh, I lie. I am wearing pants. Unless you are British, as I am not wearing underpants. Pants, pants, pants.

I started off the day with bad/weird dreams. It's possible that they were influenced by last night's viewing of She Creature, but I can't remember them well enough to be sure. I imagine the part of the dream with severed limbs came from the dream sequence in the movie. Ugh.

I'm pissed off at my grandmother (enough to not bother calling her "Grammy" as she likes us to). My mother forwarded me an email from her, excerpted here:

What a wonderful weekend! I loved every minute of it! Especially seeing [K] walking across the stage to get her diploma. My first grandchild to graduate! I can't wait to see the photos. I'm still pondering Annika's wedding. The latest fare was $205., and I expect it will just keep going up.

Let me get this straight, now. I suck for not graduating, and the cheapest fair I have ever seen from the east coast to LA is not good enough? I understand that money is tough for her, but her tone says to me that as important as it was to see her first grandchild graduate from college, seeing her first grandchild wed is just optional. If it were anyone else I'd be sure that I was overreacting, but my grandmother is the most selfish, judgmental person I know. I call her every year on her birthday, despite the fact that she never calls me, but I am thinking about skipping it this year (if I have not already missed it - I can't find my birthday book). What an email to get when I was already grumpy! (As an aside - Mom, stop sending email with attachments to my MSN account. It's full.)

I am also annoyed with Will's mother, but what else is new?

At least I do not have to get dressed today.

Pervert!

I used to have the biggest pervy-old-lecher crush on Philippe. He was only about two years younger than me, which isn't so bad until you consider that I met him when I was 18. One day I drove to his (private!) high school, found his car in the parking lot and put a bumper sticker on it that was green and said "Visualize Whirled Peas." I liked it so much that after he found out it was me I got one for my own car. I never planned to do anything about my crush and honestly had no interest in pursuing it anyway, but man, was he cute! He totally knew I had the hots for him, too. Bastard.

The far right's panties in a twist; film at eleven.

So, conservative bloggers are in a tizzy over Morrissey being an insensitive prick. My response: Yeah, so? This is the man who gleefully sang that the Queen is dead (she isn't), the man who wears black on the outside 'cause black is how he feels on the inside. The man who wore a bouquet of branches and weeds in his back pocket and oscillated wildly at Smiths shows (seriously, I have video to prove it). The man who has a thing for Fatty.

I don't agree with Morrissey's death wish for the President. But I don't agree with him about much else, so I simply do not see the big deal. I just like his music.

On the other hand, Annie made me snort with laughter:

i'm pleased to announce that legislation has just been signed, which will outlaw Morissey forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

See? I don't agree with her either, but I still like her.

How did that happen?

My cookies deleted themselves. I was logged out of everything. So sad! No cookies! Now I have to make more.

Yeah, I'm a little bit loopy today.

Pet peeve.

Noone is not a word, unless it is Ye Olde English for noon.

Thank you for your time.

I changed my mind. I don't want to get married.

That isn't true, but I had a moment of sheer terror a little while ago. I was looking through some photos of someone else's wedding (I don't know the person whose wedding it was, and only know the photographer through her online journal, but nevermind) and one of them was captioned "Attendants arrange the dress so [bride] can sit down." Now, it was a beautiful dress. But the thought of there ever being an occasion for which I would willingly wear a dress that prevented me from sitting down...

Then I remembered that I already have a dress, and it will never prevent me from any such thing. Phew! Crisis averted.

Oh, crap. My selfishness just went out the window.

So, I just found Books For Soldiers, via Wil Wheaton. It is an amazing organization that coordinates people who want to help our troops (that's you and me) with troops in need of books, movies, et cetera. All you need is money for postage (within the US - packages go to US bases and are shipped to the soldiers) and books, magazines, or whatever that are just cluttering up your home. Letters and postcards are also most welcome. Some of the soldiers make specific requests for favorites, but most of them just want anything to pass the time. Some of the requests are for practical items - one soldier from the National Guard wrote that her unit was low on supplies because the "real" soldiers are higher priority, and she desperately needed batteries (for flashlights, gutter-brains). Another asked for candy to give the Iraqi children. There were a LOT of requests for sunscreen, bug spray and snacks. A man from a K-9 unit asked for dog booties to protect his dogs' feet in the desert.

As I learned last fall, packages to "Any Soldier" are no longer accepted for security reasons. This is a terrific work-around if you do not personally know deployed soldiers. (By the way, while "Soldier" only refers to the Army, this website serves all military branches.)

I've put a permanent button link in the sidebar. It is currently below my birthday countdown, because anything you send to the troops is as good as two presents for me. (But I have not completely lost my mind. I still like presents.)

And in other news, today The Levee Broke.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer: AP - U.S.: Levee breaks in California, floods fields

I guess I have no place to stay. Or something.

Also of interest (but probably only to Angelinos -- aww, who am I kidding, non-Angelinos probably don't care about our water supply too terribly much either*), the origin of "Sig-Alerts."

From the California State Homepage:

"Sig-Alerts" are unique to Southern California. They came about in the 1940s when the L.A.P.D. got in the habit of alerting a local radio reporter, Loyd Sigmun, of bad car wrecks on city streets. These notifications became known as "Sig-Alerts." Later Mr. Sigmon developed an electronic device that authorities could use to alert the media of disasters. Caltrans latched on to the term "Sig-Alert" and it has come to be known as any traffic incident that will tie up two or more lanes of a freeway for two or more hours. And, yes, Mr. Sigmon is still around and very proud of his namesake.

Sadly, the last sentence is no longer true. Mr. Sigmon died today at age 95. Also sad is the State of California's inability to fact-check or be consistent in their spelling.

The Los Angeles Times** gives a more detailed history of the Sig-Alert's early incarnation, matching the brief explanation I heard on NPR:

A SigAlert, issued when one or more lanes will be blocked for at least half an hour, originally warned of other dangers. On Labor Day 1955, the first SigAlert was broadcast by six radio stations warning of a train wreck near Union Station.

Other early bulletins included five warnings of rabid dogs and a ship collision in Los Angeles Harbor.

One time, a pharmacist who made a potentially fatal error in filling a prescription called police, who issued a SigAlert. The customer heard it in time.

I think that last story is great - it inspired me to look up the news story and write about it.

*That came out wrong. It isn't that I don't think you care, just that it isn't that important even to me. I just took advantage of the opportunity to paraphrase Zeppelin.
**Story is here and requires (free) registration.

Nice day.

I bought something at Target this morning that scanned at a higher price than the shelf price, and the girl at the checkout took my word for it and just keyed in the correct price. That act of kindness, even though I would have stood to lose only a few moments for a price check, made my day. And it kept getting better.

I made lunch and brought it to Will's office, where we ate together. His 10-hour work days are less awful for both of us with a midday interruption. Sadly, all of the offices are separated by glass, so we couldn't eat anything but lunch.

On returning home I picked up the mail, which contained a letter from our dear friend Blair and a package from John containing the Chicago Tribune's Angel tribute and a DVD of Lonesome Dove, the best western ever. And to think, I was just last week saying to suki that I ought to get it in a form other than VHS! John's reason for buying it for us is "I was in Wal-Mart." I love that guy. I was tremendously amused by the "Special Features" listing on the DVD, which included "Fullscreen Presentation." I had that split second of annoyance because I [heart] widescreen before thinking, Of COURSE it's fullscreen, asscarts! It's a MADE-FOR-TV movie! (Even funnier is the fact that John had the exact same reaction in the store.)

Netflix shipped The Return of the King this morning. Cancel all weekend plans, buy tissues.

It's only a few things, but individually they each equal happiness with a small h, and put together it sure feels like Happiness with a big H.

Witch hunts: Good, Clean Fun for everybody.

The religious right is amusing the hell out of me lately. Remember last year, when the objection to gay marriage was that it would inevitably lead to beastiality and polygamy? That was so funny, but the latest is even better. One might say it's a laugh riot.

Apparently, even the debate over gay marriage is detrimental to society. Because of it, abortion rates are up and - get this - so are obesity levels. There is "proof."

This is so great! I need to call all of my gay friends (not to mention those gay-friendly traitors) and thank them for making me a fat baby-killer.

Don't think that I've forgotten that gay marriage not only removes the sanctity of marriage but also destroys families. I just can't write about it because I am so depressed that my own marriage and family are doomed, even though we are good little heterosexuals.

Combat Goth?

Yahoo! News - $132K of Grant to Combat Goth Returned: "'You have to admit if you saw one, two, three, four or more people dressed in traditional Goth, it would be discerning,' she said."

My father sent me this ridiculous article, pointing out that in the above sentence, it is hopeful that the woman meant to say "disconcerting." Of course, she's a twinkie either way.

And I would like to add that it would most certainly be disconcerting to see even one person dressed in traditional goth, which I am certain that not one resident of Blue Springs has ever seen.

I don't get it.

It is completely against my nature to draw attention away from my birthday, but I have been reading some arguments regarding abortion and I got confused. I would post this on the WD, where there is a wider variety of people with extensive collective knowledge, but I will be DAMNED if I am going to be responsible for starting up any abortion debates. Besides, I know my readers are very intelligent.

Here is part of the argument that confused me. It is from the comments on a blog entry. The writer is questioning the blogger's choice (heh) to participate in the March for Women's Lives last month.

I just don�t understand how you could march with people who are willing to do such evil things to ensure that women can have abortions - like putting more power in the hands of the federal government - forcing people to subsidize abortions, etc.

Maybe I am just very, very naive, but it sounds to me like this guy (it is a guy, if that matters at all) is saying that it is OK for abortion to be illegal but it isn't OK to make sure it stays legal because that gives the government power. HUH? And as for subsidizing abortions, it's a medical procedure. I honestly do not know what his point is.

The blog post is here and the comment in question is the first one.

Please 'splainy.

I am so fantastically full of myself.

I love my birthday. Loooooooove it. Love, love LOVE it! My entire life I have celebrated not just the one day that is the anniversary of my birth but several weeks (sometimes months) leading up to and surrounding it. The only holiday all year that I like more than my birthday is Christmas, and that is mostly because "Santa Baby" sounds silly the rest of the year, and I get odd looks if I am caught watching White Christmas 11 months out of the year. (Oh, OK, it is really because I love making other people happy and Christmas is the perfect occasion for an overdose of cheer.)

But back to my birthday.

It is on July 6th, which is a Tuesday this year. I will be celebrating in the normal fashion, by opening lots of presents, squealing a lot, and eating sushi. I am really very excited.

I made myself wait until after Memorial Day to start my celebration. Well, it's after Memorial Day and you'll find a countdown on the sidebar, beneath the Archives. You will also find a link to my Amazon.com wishlist. As selfish as I am in regard to my birthday, I do not expect pressies. I merely wish to make it easier on those of you who were already planning to get me a little something. I've ranked every item on the list but there isn't anything on there that I don't want.

Yay! It's my birthday!

Timothy Olyphant really freaks me out.

Alternate title: Please don't kill me, Suki.

When Will does his Seth Bullock impression, he makes big ol' bug eyes to get across Mr. Olyphant's facial expression. Yes, singular. But I realized on further viewings of Deadwood that he isn't bug-eyed. He never squints. Seriously, even when he is grinning or grimacing, his eyelids do not move. I have not yet noticed him blinking, but plan to do further research before deciding that he is definitely a robot. Don't get me wrong - he's a very cute maybe-robot. But his eyes really scare the bejeezus out of me.